rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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