apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
