My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
