I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
