you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
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I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
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Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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