why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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