i would punch a child for taco bell
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
