Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
