He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
