I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
