so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
