I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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