His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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