Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
