Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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