I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I need water and some morals
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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