So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
that is very illegal...i love you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
