You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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