and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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