All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
