I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
