Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
