got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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