Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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