i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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