I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
