Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
