I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
