It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
