the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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