do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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