Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
