Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
