so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
