I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
