At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
