Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
