I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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