Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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