If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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