I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
