I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
