the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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