i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I will pee on everything he values.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
