threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
