Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
