Whats the glycemic index on semen?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Randomize
