Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I could make wine with my vomit
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
