you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
