the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Is it penis luge time yet?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
