I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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