I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
