That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
True strength comes from lack of pants
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
