found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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