So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
