you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
