I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
