I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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