literally had 100 drinks last night.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
