By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
