I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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