His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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