i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
