At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
